Do I feel responsible for his death?
It’s still hard for me to believe this, or accept it. I often think about his family, about torture they must be going through, especially on holiday or his birthday, or the day of the accident. I’m afraid to imagine his mother’s pain and others. Although I’m sure that this accident wouldn’t happen if he wasn’t attacking me in the car, but I also made many mistakes. I stopped my car, or should I take another route? It’s not important now, I WAS THE DRIVER, and I feel very responsible for his death, that I couldn’t save him and find him. That I could do something differently. This will stay with me for the rest of my life, there is not a single day, that I am not thinking about it. I would like very much that he was here, and not leaving me with all of this. I feel responsible, but not for murder.
When I try to sleep a million thoughts and vision per second comes to my mind. Like a merry-go-round. “What if…? What if…? Why this way and not the other? Could I prevent it?” I analyze foolishly although I know it won’t change anything. I try to run away with my thoughts to my family. I imagine their laughter and our life together. I’m comforting myself that God didn’t take me away, and I still can hear them over the phone, see them and touch them during visits. All those things his family doesn’t have, and I feel bad about it.
I often think about other things that happened here in Ireland. People butchering each other with knives, hiding the bodies somewhere, killing innocent children, and running from the accident site… All those horrible cases end with “involuntary manslaughter”. I can’t understand anything of it. From the start I was afraid that I will get “involuntary manslaughter” rather than accident or driving causing death, but I knew that a man died and I need to hold responsibility for that, so I tried to prepare myself for this, but “murder” never crossed my mind. That word frightens me, and I don’t know how to get my head around it and I don’t hear it. I can’t get over it, I can’t understand this. This reality seems fiction to my head. I would want to get over it, be strong and get through this, but this tires me, and I don’t know how. Not for murder.
I think a lot about how long will all of this last. My family sacrifices so much, kids grow up, so many is happening but I miss it, and it won’t come back. I know my Mum and others need me, and I can’t help them in anything. Often I think, will my life get back, at least in similar degree as it was, to where it was before? Will I ever smile again, and will I have the courage, or will only fear of everything remain. I’m afraid, that life is so fragile and dangerous, and human is made only of just a thin skin, and everything can happen. Every step of life frightens me now. But I know I’m not alone, and I have a family who loves me and helps me to get through this life now, but none of us understands a lot, especially from this Irish law.
We announce a contest for the title of the book which is written by Martha.
Please send us your proposals. They will be subject to voting, and the title with largest number of votes in the moment of finishing of writing, will be chosen.
Submission of proposals and voting will be possible only on one of our pages.
The contest provides prizes:
1. Placing the name of the author (if he agrees) in the book
2. Free copy of the book with Martha’s autograph
3. Invitation to special dinner with Martha’s closest ones after leaving prison. The exact date and place we will provide later. It will certainly be in more friendly country – Poland.
We present our proposals of the title:
I don’t go there…
I have no gun licence…”
2. “I drove into the water…”
3. “Nightmare in Ireland – how judicial mistake ruined my life”
Another phenomenon, unique in the world, happens regarding Martha’s writing a book.
Fist, disgraceful one, had already happened:
1. It’s the first case n the world, that the driver of the vehicle falling into the water with a passenger, was convicted to lifetime imprisonment. Absurd accusation – Premeditated murder – will be difficult to beat in the JUDICIARY ABSURD category of jurisprudence of whole world.
Now we have a second unique phenomenon:
2. Martha’s book didn’t make it to print yet, but it already has regular readers. What’s more, it’s an “obligatory reading” for the officers of Dochas Centre prison in Dublin. Not only they read Martha’s writing during work hours, but also they receive money for that.
Martha’s book will not have any target reader. Everyone interested in the tragedy and absurdity of Martha’s case, will be able to reach for it.
Soon we will start sharing what officers from Dochas Centre prison in Dublin read with such interest.