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“I often think about his family, about torture they must be going through, especially on holiday or his birthday, or the day of the accident… I feel responsible, but not for murder…” – fifth fragment of Martha’s book

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Fifth fragment of the bookDo I feel responsible for his death?
It’s still hard for me to believe this, or accept it. I often think about his family, about torture they must be going through, especially on holiday or his birthday, or the day of the accident. I’m afraid to imagine his mother’s pain and others. Although I’m sure that this accident wouldn’t happen if he wasn’t attacking me in the car, but I also made many mistakes. I stopped my car, or should I take another route? It’s not important now, I WAS THE DRIVER, and I feel very responsible for his death, that I couldn’t save him and find him. That I could do something differently. This will stay with me for the rest of my life, there is not a single day, that I am not thinking about it. I would like very much that he was here, and not leaving me with all of this. I feel responsible, but not for murder.

” I try to run away with my thoughts to my family… things my family doesn’t have and I feel bad about it…” – fourth fragment of Martha’s book

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When I try to sleep a million thoughts and vision per second comes to my mind. Like a merry-go-round. “What if…? What if…? Why this way and not the other? Could I prevent it?” I analyze  foolishly although I know it won’t change anything. I try to run away with my thoughts to my family. I imagine their laughter and our life together. I’m comforting myself that God didn’t take me away, and I still can hear them over the phone, see them and touch them during visits. All those things his family doesn’t have, and I feel bad about it.

“Not for murder” – third fragment of Martha’s book

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Third fragment of Martha's bookI often think about other things that happened here in Ireland. People butchering each other with knives, hiding the bodies somewhere, killing innocent children, and running from the accident site… All those horrible cases end with “involuntary manslaughter”. I can’t understand anything of it. From the start I was afraid that I will get “involuntary manslaughter” rather than accident or driving causing death, but I knew that a man died and I need to hold responsibility for that, so I tried to prepare myself for this, but “murder” never crossed my mind. That word frightens me, and I don’t know how to get my head around it and I don’t hear it. I can’t get over it, I can’t understand this. This reality seems fiction to my head. I would want to get over it, be strong and get through this, but this tires me, and I don’t know how. Not for murder.

“Human is made only of just a thin skin… Every step of life frightens me now…” – second fragment of Martha’s book

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Second fragment of Martha's bookI think a lot about how long will all of this last. My family sacrifices so much, kids grow up, so many is happening but I miss it, and it won’t come back. I know my Mum and others need me, and I can’t help them in anything. Often I think, will my life get back, at least in similar degree as it was, to where it was before? Will I ever smile again, and will I have the courage, or will only fear of everything remain. I’m afraid, that life is so fragile and dangerous, and human is made only of just a thin skin, and everything can happen. Every step of life frightens me now. But I know I’m not alone, and I have a family who loves me and helps me to get through this life now, but none of us understands a lot, especially from this Irish law.

“I have anger in me, and it even makes me mad, that I have it in me…” – first fragment of Martha’s book

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We start sharing fragments of book being written by Martha.

This is original manuscript, without corrections. Please do not hate Martha for multiple spelling errors. Printed version will be error free.
Here let it be additional “flavour”, showing true, sincere Martha. Plain and good girl, with awful spelling, but with rich, sensitive inside.

5

What do I think about?

About the accident, about him, and his family.
Most often I think “WHY?”.
Most often I think about my family.
About past and future life.
About love surrounding me, familiar and friendly.
How long? When? Why? Why?
About justice and the power of people holding it.
How to teach myself to live with all of this? Get over it? And believe.

I’m not hiding it, I have an anger in me, and it even makes me mad, that I have it. I don’t want to have it inside, but it goes along with sadness, disappointment, fear.
I always think about what I have. Great love and my family’s fight, and I know, that I must be strong for them, and not let myself go crazy. They are everything to me, they always were and always will be. Sometimes I think about other women here, that maybe they are who they are because no one loves them? Or maybe they don’t have family?
I don’t know, I don’t understand many things here, especially women with children, very sad thing. I think a lot about my great love, tiny dog who died. Her name was Figa (she was a Chihuahua). It certainly wouldn’t happen if I only was with her. My heart aches, but I try to explain this to myself, that now she is my little angel.